On the 24th April 2016, my boyfriend of 10 years and the father of our 3 children physically assaulted me, my 3 children witnessed this assult.
On the 25th April 2016, I was brave enough to dial 999.
I didn’t think I got through, and the time in between me hitting dial and the police showing up was the longest time in the whole world.
He was arrested and charged with abh, criminal damage and assult. He pleaded not guilty and was released on bail until the court date 2 weeks later.
My bruises faded, and he contacted me to talk about the kids. I was blinded by the love i had for him and I started talking to him again.
I thought the whole incident was my fault, even though I had people telling me it wasn’t, I just felt incredibly guilty, like I always did, that it was my actions that made him do it and I had to forgive him.
Two weeks later, he phoned that he had received a copy of my witness statement. He threatened all sorts of things and was constantly texting and phoning. The illusion I had of him changing had disappeared.
This time he was charged with harassment and threats to kill. He pleaded not guilty to these charges as well. He’s been remanded in prison until a later date.
The past month or so has been the most devastating and difficult time in my life.
I’m still dealing with what happened on those two days.. The bruises may be gone, but I am still hurting inside every single day.
I look back over the past 10 years and I do now realise that I had been subject to emotional abuse for so so long, I was just blinded because I was in love and I had this huge dependency upon him. I haven’t had any friends for as long as I can remember (no one I can truly turn to and tell them everything). I was living to make him happy, to be what he wanted, because I would have nothing if he actually left me. I forgave him for everything he did. Staying out every weekend. Yeah, no problem. Cheating on me. Yeah, that’s fine, just let me stalk them online so I can see how I can be more like them.
I don’t really know who I am as a person, I’ve been changing myself, acting and trying to look like all these other people, that I got lost and forgotten along the way. I am anxious over everything, always putting everyone else’s feelings above my own.
I would see or hear about other people in the same situation and think ‘why the hell don’t you leave them, why are you letting them treat you like that?’ But there I was allowing him to treat me the exact same way. It was like the good days outweighed the bad, and I would put this block up in my mind to forget about all the horrible things.
I should’ve left sooner, I know that now, but it has taken all of this to force me to finally see that I can’t and wont be treated that way, and that I deserve so much more.
So, what happens after the bruises fade?
The honest answer is…. I have no clue. Life goes on for everyone else, but your still in a time warp, remembering every single day what has happened. Trying to think how you could’ve changed for him so he would still love you. Putting a smile on your face and pretending everything is ok, even when your broken.
I’m just sat anxiously waiting for the court date, where he will make his formal plea. If he pleads not guilty, then I’ll have to re live all of it once again. But instead it will be in front of people I don’t know, who will just be staring and contemplating everything i say. And that is absolutely terrifying.
You hear people say that you get loads of support etc when something like this happens and you decide to leave… You don’t.. It will be the hardest time of your life… But also the best thing you could possibly do. It will make you so much stronger as a person, even if for a while you feel like you cant hold yourself up.
I still have no clue what to say to my kids, they’re not daft, I know that. They witnessed all of this, the actual incident and everything else over the years. They miss him like mad and that’s something I cant make better for them. I just hope that they realise that I’ve actually done the best thing for them and that they can be proud of what I’ve done.
For now, im just waiting. Waiting patiently for the day that I don’t have to cry myself to sleep. For the day when some of the pieces inside are stuck back together.
I’m not too sure what the aim of writing this was. I suppose to just get all my feelings out, see them on the page and make them stay there. My worst fear is that this looks like im attention seeking or making a big deal out of nothing. That is far from the truth.
I never hear of what happens after. After the person has left their partner that was either emotionally or physically abusing them. I have no idea what will happen now. I just hope it has a happy ending.
If your reading this and are going through emotional abuse… Just tell someone, anyone. Don’t leave it for so long that something like this happens to make you realise it, like me, you might think its ok and shrug it off, but it really isn’t ok at all.
If you’ve managed to read all of this, thank you. You wouldn’t believe how much just writing everything down has helped.