So it’s late(ish) on a Saturday night, the kids are away all weekend.. and I have come to the realisation that I don’t actually have any friends, and that I’m lonely as fuck.
If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you’ll know I was in an emotionally (turned into psychically) abusive relationship for 9 years. Through that relationship I lost any friends I had at the beginning and didn’t really have any chances to gain any along the way.. I was a stay at home mum for 6 years (3 of which I never actually left the house), so I didn’t really have any interaction with other people other than my ex partner and any of his friends.
Roll on (or back) to 2013 and I started working… yay a chance to make new friends… no, because I am socially awkward as fuck. I have no clue how to act around new people, so I’m either perceived as weird or desperately shy. Add in the mix my terrible anxiety and you have a recipe for disaster. Don’t get me wrong, I tried my hardest (and I also didn’t try, though that didn’t work either). I think the fact that I worked where my mum worked didn’t help either, everyone that I could potentially make friends with, was already friends with my mum. And half the time I felt like everyone was only nice to me because of that fact.
I guess that now I’m out of said relationship I feel more alone than ever, I think it’s just hit me how lonely I’ve actually been over the past 9 years. Yes, don’t get me wrong, I love my own company and I don’t get bored by myself. I just need interaction with other people. I need to have a gossip and feel like someone is there for me (and I also want to be a friend for someone else tbh). I don’t want a forced friendship, I just want to find someone that gets me and is like, yes!, we’re gonna get along great!
I have no clue what the point of this post is! It’s not for sympathy or for people to feel sorry for me (because that’s the worst thing ever).. I dunno, I guess once in a while I need a good ramble and to get everything off my chest.
So, pointless rant over.. I am going to bed, where I will forget this post exists until I rock up to do another post.
Goodnight! Kirsty x