Hi.. so it’s been a while since I published my ‘what happens when the bruises fade‘ post and a lot has happened since, so I thought I’d do a catch up and let you know what’s been happening, how myself and the kids are, what support I’ve had since, what the outcome of the court was and just everything really.
So at the end of May he pleaded guilty to everything, which was a total relief as it meant that i didn’t have to attend court, which one of my biggest fears of the whole process. He received a two years prison sentence but is able to apply for early release this coming January but even if that gets refused he will be released on licence in May. I still don’t think either the sentence or the release date has kind of sunk in yet, but so far he’s only made one attempt to contact me and i’ve not heard anything else, so that’s a plus right?! I also have the 5 year restraining order as well, so that puts my mind a bit at ease too.
How i’m feeling… Umm, I’m definitely still not ‘over it‘ and i don’t think i will be for a while yet. I kind of feel like i should be by now, that now everything’s over and done with so to speak, i should be all smiles. I constantly feel like i should have to hide my feelings about it all, and for the most part i do, i’ve become very adapt to hiding how i feel and once i’m alone i’ll just sit and cry and let it all out. I have major anxiety issues still, though i’m trying to gather the courage to go to the doctors about it all, i’m just in that frame of mind that if i do go to see a doctor i’m just wasting their time when they could be seeing someone else. Confidence and just my mental state in general is definitely a long on-going progress.. I’m a long way from how i want to feel, but looking back to May i realise that i have come so so far.
At the end of August i started talking to this lad i went to school with (though i totally forgot who he was and can’t quite remember him still, oops) and we met up again and now we’re together. Firstly i want to say that he is absolutely amazing. He know’s what has happened and he’s so so understanding of my random mood swings and emotional outbursts, if i feel the need to cry he will try and get me to talk and if i don’t want to he’ll just sit and cuddle me for as long as I need. He makes me feel so safe and the kids adore him. It is hard trying to get used to being in a good and secure relationship, i’m obviously not used to having someone who wants to talk about how i feel and that wants to see me be happy. Also, the not having to ask if it’s ok that i go out or buy certain things, and having to hide anything. It’s just really refreshing to see that there is someone that can constantly encourage me to be the best i can and that if i do have a ‘bad day’ that it’s ok and he’ll support me through that. He’s just my rock at the minute. I always have that horrible feeling that soon he’ll just not like me anymore and think fuck it.. but I try and put those thoughts to the back of my mind and kinda just take it as it is for now.
During October i finally moved house! To say i was excited was an understatement. It’s just so refreshing to be away from the constant memories that the old house held. I feel so much more light and motivated now that i am out of that house.
The kids are doing ok considering. The boys have just started a new school and love it so far. They all love the new house. Sophie will be starting nursery in the new year. It’s a fresh start for them as well as me. They visit their dad every three weeks and it hasn’t seemed to affect them too much. As much as i never want to see him again, at the end of the day he is their dad so i will give him that opportunity to hopefully not screw it up and to be there for them.
Help and support… Of course I have amazing support from my family and I don’t think I would of been as ok now if it wasn’t for them. But personally, i still don’t feel that there is enough support networks for domestic abuse victims, i mean there might be, but for me and probably many other people, it’s quite daunting to go and look for support especially when it comes to making phone calls (I get serious panic attacks before i make any kind of phone call). Luckily there has been tremendous support for the kids, and through that i have also received advice and support but i kind of feel that if it wasn’t for me having children i would be all on my own. I’ve found out through my childrens support worker that there is a course called ‘The freedom program‘ which is mainly for people who have been through domestic violence, to learn more about it, to socialise (though this isn’t mandatory and you can seriously just sit in silence) and to also learn about potential warning signs as well. As i have moved i couldn’t join the one that started last month but i’m hoping to get onto the next course as i just think it will help so much. I still now feel like the whole ordeal was my fault and i can’t seem to shake that frame of mind, so im hoping this will convince me otherwise i suppose.
Now that i’ve moved home and that i’m currently in this ‘safe’ happy position, i am so much more motivated to get my blog back up and running again. I’m gonna use the word ‘schedule’ lightly but i’ve brought myself a planner and i really want to get back on track and do something instead of sit and wallow all day. I really want to try and do a post focused on domestic violence at least once a month, be it updates on me, help and support you can get or just a general post about a specific thing. It’s really something i want to research into and just generally make people more aware, and if i can help even one person just in the slightest then that would literally make me happy cry.
Sorry for the long long ramble and if you’ve managed to read all the way to the end then thank you.